December 8th, 1861

Today was a very pleasant day, Emma had a good day at school and I had a good day at the market. It was alright, like any other day where nothing ever quite exciting occurs. This evening, a nice woman named Mary Belcher whom lives right down the street invited Emma and I over for dinner. She is a very lovely woman, quite petite and enjoyable to be around. I brought over a fresh roll of bread and she made potato soup, with fresh vegetables she grew from her garden. It was very delightful and delicious making my taste buds tingle. For dessert, I brought over a raspberry pie that I made from my secret recipe. Mary and I had a long conversation about the generals and soldiers in the war. It seems like nowadays the talk is always about the war. That's all anyone is worried about and can keep a conversation on about. Although, soon the war will be over and everyone will be together back with their friends and families.

December 1st, 1861

Today, it rained again. Our clothes outside hanging on the clotheslines got soaking wet. They were drenched with water and had barely a single dry spot. How would we dry our clothes to wear? Emma and i did not have but a few clean, spare clothes to wear. I would have to sow some more clothes for us to wear until the rain stopped so we could dry our clothes. The weather got very chilly over the days. Today is the first of December so we will need very warm clothes for the next couple months. If only we had more money. Then, we could fix renivations within our home, including the hole in the roof of our living room. Every time it rains, water drips through the celing and soaks the floor. The buckets we put under the water fills up and has to be emptied very often. Also, the windows are jammed and the doors hinges are getting rusty. There is always fusteration trying to open the windows. They always get jammed and can never open when its musky and sweltering hot inside. When its too cold, the windows let strong winds in and it gets very frigid inside. The front door has rusty bolts and is getting worn down. Once the economy becomes better, hopefully we can tinker with the house. Samuel was always the handy man in the house and good at repairing things. Now with the war, there's no time for fixing nor the money.

November 30th, 1861

The town today got a telegraph about a Skirmish fight at Little Cacapon River. A group of small soldiers unexpectidly attacked a union camp commanded by Brig. Gen. Benjamin F. Kelly. The group of soldiers, or "bushwackers" only managed to take a few of the unions horses. Luckly, no harm was done. I hope that my dear Samuel is safe. I know and trust in my heart that he will fight for us and be alright throughout the war. There are many strong fighters out there, fighting for the North. I hope Samuel will be sent home by Christmas. It would be nice to have to whole family together after being separated for so long. Every Christmas we cook wonderful food we rarely eat and enjoy the Birth of Jesus Christ. I'm not sure how long the soldiers have to serve in the war, but I sure wish I knew. It kills me inside to sit down at the table eating with Emma, looking across the table at an empty chair. A soft spread pillow next to me and a cold lonely feeling when we awake. I hope Samuel is doing well and will write us back soon.

November 23rd, 1861

Today was a gloomy day. It rained most the day and it was very windy and chilly outside. The wind was blowing rain everywhere. Including that it was very foggy out. Emma and I stayed inside the house and relaxed. I knitted a blanket and Emma played with her dolls. I wonder where Samuel is this exact moment. In a battle, enjoying the day or even thinking about Emma and I? It has been almost 4 months since Samuel has left. I can't wait until the day I see an officer at our door once again sending news that Samuel will be drafted to come back home. I miss him so much. I know Emma does too, even though she doesn't show how she feels about everything that has happening. I think she's too shocked about having her father leave to wonder and worry about everything going on.

Days are hectic and long, with many things on my mind. I often awake in the middle of the night having nightmares like Emma had a few weeks ago. I dream about Samuel getting injured or shot down by another soldier. It hurts to know that this may happen. But everything happens for a reason. God wouldn't put you in a situation if he couldn't get you out of it. The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have. Which is what I try to do, and stay strong for Emma. She knows that if she doesn't see me worrying about anything everything should be alright, because she knows I tend to worry easily. All we can do is pray and wish for the best for all the soldiers.

November 16th, 1861

The winter breezes have gotten stronger and the days have gotten cooler. Today, I went on a picnic with Emma, Clarissa and her children. We went to the fields right outside of town giving us a very pretty view of the town. We enjoyed the breeze that blew by and the cool weather. Clarissa and I talked more about the war and our husbands. It seems like that is the only thing that we have in common. Most of the time we have time to talk, we discuss how our family is holding up and how we have been. Although, it's something that keeps us talking and i'm not complaining, because i'm glad I have someone there to connect feelings with. I feel like Clarissa knows everything I'm saying when I talk to her. She is like the best friend I've never had. Always being there to talk to and as well as me, for her.

Emma is starting to open up to others. It makes me restless trying to keep everything perfect while Samuel is gone. Emma and Clarissas boys, Matthew and Thomas are becoming good friends. It's nice knowing Emma has someone to talk to and spend time with. I'm starting to feel relieved and less stressed with the changes we've had to encounter. I try to make the best of everything and stay strong for Emma and I. It's hard having your husband and dad go off to war. Trying to continue your life on, mending with the changes. It's so difficult and different but Emma and I will make it. I can't stand to keep thinking about the war and Samuel along with it. Serving in the war is a very difficult, dangerous but brave duty. Many soldiers get shot down or severely injured fighting for what they believe in. I wish I knew the minutes, seconds, days, hours or months to count down on, to when Samuel would return.

November 9th, 1861

Winter has nearly come, but is still approaching. The grounds are frosting and the leaves have nearly fallen. The wind has been blowing and the leaves are whirling around the cool air. It's going to be chilly getting Emma to school very early in the morning and as for myself, getting to the market. The cold is enjoyable but not when you have places to be. You can't always be home sleeping, drinking hot tea and sitting by the fire place. Although, the North gets very cold so Emma and I must have the proper clothing to be prepared for the season. Emma and I are going to a little store in town to shop for some warm clothing today. I sowed Emma a sweater from some loose cloth I gathered together. I couldn't risk Emma, nor I to get sick.

That evening, there was a man on a horse galloping through the town. I looked out the window as I heard the man on the horse ecstatically yell, whirling around in circles. The man looked like an officer. He was screaming about how Major General Henry Halleck is given command of the states east of the Mississippi. Also, he mentioned how Brigadier General Don Carlos Buell is put in command of eastern Kentucky and Tennessee.

I heard Mrs.Robertson, a nice middle aged woman that lives down the street talking about these two men. She mentioned how she has met them before and what such great generals they were. Whoever these men are, I bet they are good news considering the man on the horse spreading the excitement is so thrilled!

November 2nd, 1861

Today we found out Emma had a very sickening flu. It lasted for about a week and she is just now getting over being ill. The government is adding taxes to every little thing. The money for taxes will be sent in and given to soldiers in the war. At the market, selling and even buying products is very pricey. It's very difficult to find any good priced or "cheap" buyings any more. Their has been news that the North is very strong and predicted to be undefeatable. The North takes victory in many of the battles against the South. I hope the war is almost war. I know that I am not the only wife that has lost her husband. Many families have had their family members send off to fight in the war. It's difficult and hard to mend with, but everyone hopes and prays for the best and for their loved ones to come home soon. I know, I'm one of them. I can tell Emma tries not to think about her father, gone. Although, Emma is just like her father, strong hearted and tough. She is always so optimistic, always trying to make the best out of everything. I wish I was more like her, all I ever can think about is the worst of the worse in a situation. I pray all the families who've had a family member serve in the war are given strength to get through all the hard times.

October 26th, 1861

Once again, the Union had another victory! Yesterday, on October 26th, in Missouri, held the Zagonyi's Charge! This was the only victory for the Union that occurred in Spring field, in South Western Missouri. The union, now has the operations to control Missouri! The North is doing very well. Hopefully, they will send some soldiers back home and Samuel will be one of them! It has been nearly 3 months. It seems like it's been so long since he left and the weeks have gone by so slow. I dread the days when all I can think about is Samuel and war. It makes me proud he is serving us well, but all the horrid thoughts run through my mind. They have won many battles, but what if they loose one? Could Samuel be one of the soldiers that risked their life and got killed? I try not to think about it, but when I hear the word war, it makes me think of people fighting for what they believe in and death goes along with it.

Knowing Samuel, he pays attention to others. There are those people who you talk to and they act like their listening, but their really not. But not Samuel. He is always listening to what others have to say, even if it doesn't seem like it. He is always aware and ahead of everything. Samuel is a very intellegent man and never slacks off when he's given a task. Samuel is the fit man for war. He's strong and aware of his surroundings. He would do fine fighting but something inside of me kept breaking that thought out of consideration.

October 19th, 1861

This morning, I woke up and got ready for work. I woke Emma up to get ready for school and she didn't look very good. Her face was pale, her eyes were red. I took her temperature and she had a high fever. Emma was sick so she went back to sleep and I decided to stay home with her for the day. Emma started throwing up and did not feel good at all. I figured it was a stomach bug and if it wasn't any better by tomorrow, I would take her to the doctor. I made Emma my famous recipe, chicken noodle soup and gave her some medicine. Emma fell right asleep after she ate and woke up later, feeling better. Hopefully, Emma didn't miss much at school and I called the market saying I couldn't make it to work.

Emma and I sat around the fire that night, looking at the paper for more news about the war. Every time we read about the victories of the Union, we picture Samuel fighting off the strongest people from the confederate army. He was never one to be scared or back down from a challenge. We were still curious to when he will come home. Everything is so different and I try not to act sad in front of Emma. I want her to feel as if he is fighting for her and not just some what of a fact he wanted to leave. He had no choice, but why him? Out of all the many people they choose, Samuel was one. But everything happens for a reason. Soon, Samuel will be back home to dear Emma and I.

October 12th, 1861

I heard of the victory for the North! On October 9th, there was a war on Santa Rosa Island. A general named Richard Anderson from the confederate army led 1,200 men to Fort Pickens, to surprise the union camps. They snuck in and tried to perform a surprise attack on us! Although, the Souths general from the Union named Colonel Harvey Brown, retreated and the victory went to the Union! Shows the confederate army how strong the Union is and how alert and prepared we are! I bet the camps they sent all the soldiers to, have been training very hard like Samuel said. They spend all day training, barely getting any rest.

The Union has some strong fighters who wouldn't back down on us. They train constantly, probably very intensely. I have a good feeling about the war. We are doing very good so far! I can't wait to tell Emma, she will be just as proud as I am. We are all so very proud of the willing men, who are out there, slashing blood and searing tears for everyone and fighting! Hopefully the war will be over soon!

October 5th, 1861

Today, nothing really exiting happened. I brought home fruits and vegetables from the market after work and came home to cook dinner. I met Emma at home and I helped her with her homework. After we finished dinner late evening, we got a knock at the door. A man came with a hat and a suit on. All he did was hand us a letter and was on his way. We opened the letter and it was from Samuel.

Dear Annabelle and Emma,

I'm sorry I have not written you two lately, I can write at certain times we are told, and when we do they only give us a few minutes before they collect them to be sent to the mail. We can't reveil where we are nor tell anyone where we're located and we have been training entirely too long. But its safe to know that we all are positive we're ready for our next battle. Emma I'm very sorry I missed your birthday. I wish I could have been there, I bet your mother made it a good one though. I will make it up to you whenever I come home. I hope you enjoyed your special day, my little girl. Annabelle, I hope you're holding up with everything going on. I wish I could be with the both of you two, I miss you girls so much. I can't wait until the day I will be sent back home to you two, I love you two very much.

Love, Samuel

Reading Samuels letters comforted us, but made us miss him even more. Knowing we were helpless in this situation and couldn't change what had to happen, made us feel downtrodden.

September 28th, 1861

Today Clarissa and her boys, Matthew and Thomas are meeting Emma and I for breakfast at the diner. Emma woke up and got ready and we were on our way. Emma wore her sparkly slippers with a ruffled, pink dress. We sat ourselves to a booth and waited for Clarissa and her children to arrive. Emma looked timid to meet new people. I told her about how Clarissa's husband went off to war and her two boys as well, don't have their father with them. Emma looked glad she was not the only one. They may possibly become friends, which would be good for Emma. She needs a close friend to talk to that will keep her mind off of everything.

Clarissa walked in with her two children and smiled seeing us in the corner of the diner. She sat down across from Emma and I and introduced herself to Emma. Thomas and Matthew introduced themselves and Emma replied shyly, "My name is Emma." We got comfortable and called over a waiter after we decided what we were going to order. Clarissa and I started to talk about our husbands and how long they have been gone. Emma, Tomas and Matthew listened sitting in silence. Matthew started talking to Thomas about a new play being performed in town. Emma joined in the conversation and they all discussed about it. Clarissa told me how her husband, Joseph was sent to war about 6 months ago. Not far before Samuel was sent. We both have been lost without our husbands, who we miss dearly. Our lives have been so different and we've had to learn to do many new things. Like me, Clarissa got a job at the market after her husband left. I'm glad I found someone who can relate to me, having children and all. It must be hard to have two boys, being a handful and all. I hope Emma and Clarissa's children become friends.

September 21th, 1861

Emma turns 7 today. Sadly, Samuel could not have been here to celebrate it with her. Although she would not get to spend her birthday with her father, I hoped to give her a great birthday. The day all started when I woke Emma with flowers, balloons and singing happy birthday, she looked surprised and thrilled. Emma went into the kitchen after I woke her, I made her favorite breakfast, pancakes. There were 4 stacked pancakes, forming a smiley face. Bacon was the mouth, strawberries were the eyes and the nose was blue berries. Whipped cream surrounded the outside, resembling hair.

After Emma was nearly finished, I came behind her with her presents in hand. After Emma was finished, we sat around the fire place, on the couch. I handed her the presents. One was wrapped in a pink box with a yellow bow. The other was in a purple gift bag with green wrapping paper. Emma looked happy but curious at the same time. Emma was one who never expected or asked for anything for her birthday. She started to open the pink box first, which had the silver slippers in them. As she was unwrapping them, the saw something glimmering and ripped the paper apart to see what it was. As she saw she had a glowing look on her face. Emma looked so happy she smiled and said "Thank you ma, I love them so much! They are so pretty." I smiled and told her to open the next. She set the slippers down gently and crumpled the paper to the side. She grabbed the next gift box and opened it. She pulled out the picture frame and truffles and stared at the picture frame in one hand. She smiled and her eyes started to water. She hugged me tight and told me thank you, that I don't know how much that meant to her. She loved her gifts and put the picture frame in her room, next to her bed.

The rest of the day, we went to lunch and sat around the house enjoying the day. I'm glad Emma had a good, memorable birthday she wouldn't forget.

September 14th, 1861

Emma has been counting down, and her birthday is in exactly in one week! She keeps a flip chart of the days on her door, counting down by flipping the page everyday. I went into town earlier after work while Emma was at school. I went into a little boutique, on the corner of St. Bensley, looking for something perfect for Emma. Nothing really caught my eye. Although, as I was leaving, I saw the perfect gift. The moment I saw it, I pictured Emma in my head with the brightest smile on her face. I saw the perfect silver slippers. They were shining in the corner of the store, with the light reflecting off of them. The slippers had a little bow near the toe of the shoe and black laces around the heel. Iridescent sparkles shimmered among them. I knew this would be perfect. I purchased the shoes and got them wrapped. On the way home, I stopped by the general store. It's a small store that sells a ton of, practically everything. I picked up Emma's favorite chocolate truffles and a fancy, picture frame. I decided I'd get a picture of her and Samuel, to put in the picture frame. Also, I was planning to take Emma to her favorite restaurant tomorrow, the same place Samuel took her last year. I could already picture Emma having a great birthday.

September 7th, 1861

I started my job at the market in town. It's really nice and a pretty fun job. I enjoy helping people and seeing all the different people walk in. I met a splendid woman, Clarissa who works there as well. Her husband also, went to war. She has 2 sons, who actually go to the same school as Emma. I am hoping to get Emma and them together, to meet. Emma needs some friends to hang out with, to get her mind off of everything. Clarissa and I feel the exact same way about the war and loosing our husbands.

It's hard being with someone for, forever and loosing them unexpectedly, in the blink of an eye. Everything has been so different without our husbands. Clarissa and I both connect to each other about our emotions. It feels good having someone to talk to, who is in the same situation as me. I miss Samuel so much, it hurts going everyday, without him. I wake up to a dark house and turn over, in the middle of the night, with extra space. The dinner table is quieter and family time is lonelier. I realize that God put my family in this place for a reason. He gave me hope when I met Clarissa. Neither one of us feels so alone anymore.

August 31st, 1861

I found out I got the job at the market! It's not what I would have dreamed of doing, but selling fruits and vegetables could work. I start my shift tomorrow. I work the days Emma goes to school so It works out perfectly. Emma's birthday is coming up and I want to get her something special. She is pretty gloomy, for the fact her father wouln't be home for her birthday. But even if he wouln't be, I want Emma to have another wonderful birthday she will remember.

Last year, Samuel took Emma to her favorite store in town to let her pick out the new doll she wanted. Emma was so happy, because she had been dreaming to get that doll. It was a small doll with brown pigtails and a dress, a fancy doll named Abigail. After, Samuel took Emma to her favorite restaurant in town as well. She got her favorite, grilled cheese. I could tell, Samuel gave Emma the best birthday she could ever wish for. Samuel would always take Emma somewhere special for her birthday. He would surprize her with something different every year, that meant so much to her every time. I hope I can make her birthday as great as Samuel made it for her.

August 24th, 1861

I remember the day of July 18th, when I opened the newspaper and read about the first battle of the civil war, the Battle of Bull Run. The union was forced to flee, and many lives were lost. The union forces, commanded by General Irvin McDowell fought against the confederate forces, lead by General Pierre Beauregard. The confederates won the battle. The union is from the North and the Confederate forces are from the South. I am so thankful Samuel was not sent to war before this battle, for he could have been one of the many, who had gotten killed. Lincoln wants everyone united into a union, so he called in 500,000 volunteers to help fight against the south, for 3 years. Samuel was one of them.

There are some brave men out there who have the wits to risk their life, fighting for their region. I'm proud to say that my husband is one of them. I have learned everything happens for a reason, good and bad. The worst can come out of the best and whatever happens, you have to learn to accept it.

August 17th, 1861

An official came to our house to deliver a letter from Samuel. Emma and I were so timid to find out how he was doing. Emma and I thanked the official and he was on his way. Emma and I went into the living room and sat on the couch, as we read:

Dear my lovely Emma and Annabelle,

I miss you more than anything and more than anyone can miss anyone in the world. I have been keeping a picture of you two in my pocket everywhere I go. Then, if anything happens to me, always remember, you two were the last I thought of. I am doing well, I'm sorry I did not send you two a letter sooner. I have been very busy training. August 10th, we had the battle of Wilson's creek, which was not a very large war. Although, many died. I will try to write to you as often as I can. Henry Buford, my best friend since junior high, is in my training camp for the war as well. It makes me feel closer to home, since he is with me. I love and miss you both dearly. I miss spending time and being there for you two. Going on long walks and picnics with my two favorite people in the world, makes my life. I am counting the days until I will see you two again. I am always thinking about you two wherever I go.

Love, Samuel

Emma and I had a smile all the way through the letter, as well as tears. We were so glad that Samuel was doing well and had Henry with him. We were missing him so much.

August 10th, 1861

Last night Emma woke up at 4 in the morning, crying and terrified. It took me a few minutes to get her to speak to me. Emma had a dream that the soldiers, including Samuel were going to fight and as they were heading South. They all got prepared and put on all their gear. They had their weapons in hand and were all charging out into the chaos. Next thing she knows, a tall bulky man, with light hair aimed his gun at Samuel. The bullet in the gun was released with a loud boom, as smoke went out. The bullet soared in the air and was going for Samuels head. Time froze and the bullet was right in front of Samuel's forehead. All of a sudden, flashed Samuel on the ground laying there, lifelessly. Emma bursted in tears as she imagined it once more.

Emma's dream had scared the both of us. I gave Emma a big hug and told her it was only a dream. Daddy is a tough fighter and is so much more aware of everything around him than just one man going to get him. I bet right now he's thinking of you Emma, and being with you this moment. She smiled and wiped away her last tear. I tucked Emma into bed and gave her a warm kiss on her cheek. Before I walked out of her room she asked me to read her a story. I read her a story about a strong man who didn't let anything stand in his way. He was a horseman who delivered news through town. One day, he had to send an important message and became a hero from it. Emma said she liked that story because it reminds her of her father, who is strong and never lets anything stand in his way. Also, to Emma, Samuel is her hero.

August 3rd, 1861

My family lives in a 1 story house, in Ohio. Not very large but it suits us all. We don't live by large streams of rivers nor on a huge plantation. Nor are we large business owners anymore than a small town family. Money doesn't keep coming in every week. It comes in and goes back out. The budget has been tight and the government has been raising taxes, to send to the soldiers who are fighting in the civil war. Ever since Samuel left, money around the house has been spent for expenses for Emma and school. I have applied to a job in town at a market, it doesn't pay much, although it's based mainly off of tips. I will hopefully find out within the week if I got the job or not. Our family depends on it though, so I hope for the best to get the job.

It's difficult worrying about Samuel and trying to keep Emma happy. Emma doesn't have many friends and she's quite shy. She is a daddy's girl and without her dad around she doesn't speak much. Seeing Emma happy makes my world, but I don't know how to please her in this situation. Emma cries every so often asking when daddy will come home. But, no one knows..

July 27th, 1861

I sit outside my porch, drinking hot tea as Emma plays with her porcelain doll. She brushes her dolls hair, so focused, yet lost in her thoughts. I could tell Emma had thoughts hovering around in her head by the lost look in her eyes. Emma is my 11 year old daughter. She has blonde hair, blue eyes and pale skin. She looks more like her dad than me, who has the bluest eyes you may ever see.

I wonder how much older Emma will be before her father gets to see her again. The hardest thing for a parent to do is leave their family and children behind. I miss Samuel so much. I miss having our family together, whole. Emma and I are so sad we do not have the man in the house watching over us anymore. I can't wait until he comes back home for everything to be back to normal. Our live is so lonesome without our hero here with us.

The ones you love can be with you for so long, then be gone in the blink of an eye. It tears me too be living as a half and not a whole, without Samuel. My father use to tell me how you should never take anything for granted. You have to be thankful for every little thing God blessed you with because you don't know how much longer you may be able to hold onto them. Live and love your life like there's no tomorrow, because there really may be, no tomorrow.

July 20th, 1861

It was the summer of 1861, when the officers came to our house in the middle of the night. They arrived in a fancy covered wagon, with silver shingles. They came to our house and knocked, firmly on the door. My heart began to pound, I knew what this meant. It had come the time for Samuel, my husband to go off to war. My heart suddenly sank as they requested for a strong soldier to fight against the South. We all knew who the tall, firm man was looking for. Emma, my 6 year old daughter and I knew this was coming. We helped Samuel gather together his necessities and he was on his way. Samuel gave Emma a big hug and told her he was with her no matter how far away they were. Samuel whispered a few words to me and was on his way.

I glanced out the circular window looking at the wagon, trail down the dusty road. As the wagon glimmered in the distance, it soon disappeared. I felt tears run down my face as I glared at Emma. She was laying in the corner across the room staring with a blank look on her face trying to grasp the fact her dad was gone for who knows how long. I felt as if the life of my daughter no longer relied on me and my husband, but now only me. I could see our family already being torn appart as I try to find the words to say to Emma. I don't know how our lives would stand further on, without Samuel. Desperation appeared in our home and inside of Emma's life as her dad left.

I, Annabelle Andrews the wife of Samuel and mother of Emma will keep a blog to write about all the changes and sacrifices we will experience in our life. I will write about all the times and important events that happen while my husband is away. My heart sunk and crashed into a billion pieces. Sometimes I wish I was still a child because bruised knees heal faster than broken hearts.. I have no idea what I am going to do without my beloved, Samuel.